A new role, set-up by the government of Turkey for a body of up to 30 participants who are required to measure and record the size of every known item and animal.
The test will find out whether everything that is measured fit's into one of the below categories:
[ ] This item/animal is actual size
[ ] This item/animal is less than actual size
[ ] Neither of the above
Once the data has been collected, you will be required to produce a report on your findings which itself must fit the criteria of 'actual size' regardless of the quantity of pages, ink or size of font.
To by paid annually in GBP £21,450 per annum with 6 months actual leave
Thursday, 18 November 2010
New fuels discovered and tested
In a world of optimistic car manufacturing and design, the world press eyes were on a new car which is run entirely from 50 parts parental tears to 47 parts pig sweat.
It has a snort to 60 in approximately 7 years and by which time, your children would have grown up and eaten their entire body weight.
Another fuel being tested is 'neglect' and 'anger'. We are hoping that the world of 'road-ragers' will prove useful in powering the future of modern driving into the next generation.
It has a snort to 60 in approximately 7 years and by which time, your children would have grown up and eaten their entire body weight.
Another fuel being tested is 'neglect' and 'anger'. We are hoping that the world of 'road-ragers' will prove useful in powering the future of modern driving into the next generation.
Twisted Eyeball
A decimated seaweed shrinker from Fulham, by the name of Pullman Grindulg, who wishes to remain anonymous, twisted his right eyeball whilst thumbing for a lift from a team of Belgian groin sniffers who were on their way to the annual "Confederacy for Dry Towelled Nutmeg Slingers"; who are visiting the UK for the first time.
They were dressed only in thermal saturated ham resistant knickerbockers, made privately by a firm located in the Outer Hebrides, via Swanage and Quebec (expect in February which has 28).
When asked what he hoped to achieve by this unfortunate occurrence, he answered that his mother had asked him to purchase their autographs but, upon learning that their inability to Stop within a logical and incoherent belly of a huge (and to the best of my knowledge) 'inflated' dog fish, it became obvious that all attempts would be futile.
The fate of his unfortunate eyeball has yet to be determined, but he remains hopeful of a full recovery.
They were dressed only in thermal saturated ham resistant knickerbockers, made privately by a firm located in the Outer Hebrides, via Swanage and Quebec (expect in February which has 28).
When asked what he hoped to achieve by this unfortunate occurrence, he answered that his mother had asked him to purchase their autographs but, upon learning that their inability to Stop within a logical and incoherent belly of a huge (and to the best of my knowledge) 'inflated' dog fish, it became obvious that all attempts would be futile.
The fate of his unfortunate eyeball has yet to be determined, but he remains hopeful of a full recovery.
Bell Ringing Fiasco uncovered
A collection of rope scar afflicted doves with enlarged haemoglobins went to a Jewish festival involving the re-enactment of a bell ringing fiasco.
This was discovered when a monastery in Swindon decided to record the decibels required to cause tinnitus and interrupt mating owls.
This was discovered when a monastery in Swindon decided to record the decibels required to cause tinnitus and interrupt mating owls.
Zimbabwe bird colony stolen
A Vietnamese bottle nosed compost enthusiast accidentally stole a fictitious bird colony from the South of Zimbabwe without due care and attention.
When asked why, his mother proclaimed that there were more fishes and bigger turtles to fry and exclaimed monstrosities against turtle compost manifestations.
When asked why, his mother proclaimed that there were more fishes and bigger turtles to fry and exclaimed monstrosities against turtle compost manifestations.
The OPH have joined the SRRT
Earlier today it was discovered that the OPH (The organisation for the Prevention of Hair) have made an unlikely union with the SRRT (Scientific Research into Retractable Teeth) after 48 hours of discussions around the likelihood that funding from each can be a contribution towards projects that discover whether Jeremy Irons.
In addition to this short term project, they are also pursuing other such topical research debates like:
Does Dolph Lundgren?
What happens when Vanessa Phelps?
Does Charlie Sheen?
Is Oscar Peterson?
Is it true Tiger Woods anything that moves?
and, can people with retractable teeth say, "Is Colin Firth's first fourth season in Friends finally through?"
Watch this space [ ] for more details.....
In addition to this short term project, they are also pursuing other such topical research debates like:
Does Dolph Lundgren?
What happens when Vanessa Phelps?
Does Charlie Sheen?
Is Oscar Peterson?
Is it true Tiger Woods anything that moves?
and, can people with retractable teeth say, "Is Colin Firth's first fourth season in Friends finally through?"
Watch this space [ ] for more details.....
Flamingos found in Durham
Last week, an infestation of left armed pickpockets in Durham lead to the discovery of 47 blue Flamingos in the plains of Durham. They had taken up residency in an abandoned fish smoking plant, where for the last 16 years they have been disguised as a herd of underwater bowlers.
One Flamingo, who did not want to be recognised in fear of being named, had his beak twisted into the shape of a onion and had one foot replaced with the tongue of a rare breed of badger and the other with the knuckles of a red nosed woman called Brenda from Barking.
Unfortunately, the recorded evidence of this event has been lost due to the left armed pickpockets fleeing the scene before we could discover if in fact their hands were indeed red.
One Flamingo, who did not want to be recognised in fear of being named, had his beak twisted into the shape of a onion and had one foot replaced with the tongue of a rare breed of badger and the other with the knuckles of a red nosed woman called Brenda from Barking.
Unfortunately, the recorded evidence of this event has been lost due to the left armed pickpockets fleeing the scene before we could discover if in fact their hands were indeed red.
The Wigan Speed Trap
A disabled malnutrionist from Wigan was inadvertantly caught in a speed trap whilst shopping in Sainsburys.
He afterwards said that his badges were unfortunately not clearly displayed and a delegate from the Society For The Wellbeing of Bee Stings, mistook him for a pile of hobnailed mushrooms, and the two ended up in the managers office, and so were severly repremanded.
All ended well however, as a ruptured spleen fitter who happened to be passing applauded the quick thinking action of a dissinherited team of Mongolian Swim Suit slicers, who photographed the whole incident, and are now selling the results of their labours to participants in the 100 metre underwater glue sniffing competition.
He afterwards said that his badges were unfortunately not clearly displayed and a delegate from the Society For The Wellbeing of Bee Stings, mistook him for a pile of hobnailed mushrooms, and the two ended up in the managers office, and so were severly repremanded.
All ended well however, as a ruptured spleen fitter who happened to be passing applauded the quick thinking action of a dissinherited team of Mongolian Swim Suit slicers, who photographed the whole incident, and are now selling the results of their labours to participants in the 100 metre underwater glue sniffing competition.
Thumbs up for Ants!
Scientists in East Dulwich have now invented a prosthetic thumb for ants. This gadget has been approved and certified by the TAB (Thumbs Ants Bravery) as a ground breaking advancement for Ants.
Until now, Ants have had problems using mobile phones to text and playing on games consoles has proved to be difficult to master.
One flying ant from Barking was so thrilled at the opportunity of sending SMS messages to other ants that he completely forgot about the fact he was completely covered in Denzel Washington's sock repellent and thus, passed away.
Until now, Ants have had problems using mobile phones to text and playing on games consoles has proved to be difficult to master.
One flying ant from Barking was so thrilled at the opportunity of sending SMS messages to other ants that he completely forgot about the fact he was completely covered in Denzel Washington's sock repellent and thus, passed away.
The ink that caused a stink
During the 1960s, a group of vigilante broomstick polishers from Sheffield, secured the purchase of 128 tons of hieroglyphic ink from a travelling army of chuckberry pickers.
Once they had checked their supply, they were shocked to find that what they had bought was not ink at all, but was a lorry batch load of rodent figurines and a flat packed set of monkey drawers.
When checking the historical documents of the 1960s, it becomes clear that this type of mistake was made often by watering can makers who light-heartedly covered up their errors by filing for divorce every 12 days.
Once they had checked their supply, they were shocked to find that what they had bought was not ink at all, but was a lorry batch load of rodent figurines and a flat packed set of monkey drawers.
When checking the historical documents of the 1960s, it becomes clear that this type of mistake was made often by watering can makers who light-heartedly covered up their errors by filing for divorce every 12 days.
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